You may be caught up in a whirlwind of pain and/or fury but your kids need you!! They need you to be their parent through it all and you need to forgive yourself when you can’t do a very good job of it. Focus on building a child centered divorce.

Look up books explaining divorce that are age-appropriate for your children.  There are some really good ones out there!

Ways to explain it:

  • A parent’s love cannot be broken but love between a mommy and a daddy can be broken. That is what happened to us.
  • We tried to fix it but we couldn’t.
  • Your mommy and daddy will never ever stop being your mommy and daddy.
  • We will always be a family. In some families the moms and dads live together and in some families they live apart. No matter what happens, we will always be a family.

Keep repeating: It’s not the child’s fault, these are adult problems and the adults are responsible for taking care of them.  It’s not your fault, nothing you did made this happen. This is a grown up problem and we both will always love you so much!  Mommy-daddy love can be broken but mommy’s love for you and daddy’s love for you cannot be broken.  We will always love you and you will always have a home to live in.

Divorce or separation is particularly fearful for kids 8 – 12 years old. This is the period where they are old enough recognize their dependence on their family for survival, but don’t feel able to survive on their own if they lose their family. Parental separation is devastating for children of all ages including adult children, count the costs before you leave.

Learn the ways kids internalize your conflicts.  Learn the ways they act out the repressed urges of their parents (like when you both are very buttoned down and proper and your child is wild).

More information:

Helping children understand separation: https://www.caringforkids.cps.ca/handouts/separation_and_divorce

Kids and teens guide to divorce: http://www.familieschange.ca/

Learn the difference between Custody and Guardianship

Models for splitting time:

  • One week on, one week off. But, young kids find it especially hard to go for a full week without seeing their mother (or whichever parent primarily nurtures them). For older kids this can work, or it can be hard because each time they settle into a routine, it shifts.
  • Three days on, four off. Then four on, three off. Sunday night to Wednesday or Thursday morning
  • Same as above with Tuesday night dinner with the off parent so the kids don’t go more than 2 days without seeing each parent. This works well with quite young kids but requires significant cooperation between the couple.
  • Same as above but the kids stay in the family home and the parents each get a condo and then cycle in and out of the family home. Great for the kids’ stability but requires $$ and a cooperative couple.

What if it’s not working?

Options are:

  • If you are getting verbally attacked during each handover of the children, switch to a model where one parent drops them at school or daycare and the other parent picks them up so there is no personal contact. Have a “Parenting Book” travel with the children where each of you write only data – what they ate, who is sick, what are their symptoms, when their appointments are, etc.
  • See a parenting coach or take a co-parenting course
  • Have one of your therapists (or your clergy) mediate disputes
  • Pay the money and sue in court for a different arrangement, with penalties in place for bad behaviour