Becoming unmarried
Can’t believe you are in this place in life? Welcome to the 40-60%! Yes, that is the percent of marriages ending in divorce or permanent separation. Separation comes first and most of the fighting and negotiating is done around getting a permanent separation agreement. This is the main finish line that needs to get crossed for most couples. Divorce is a separate, optional, much shorter but still hard process that comes later. By continuing to read this website and any of its pages, you agree to use this for information purposes only, you agree that this is not legal advice and that it does not replace your need for legal advice in any of the matters discussed herein.
You will not die when you get a divorce. What might die, if you do it well, is your resistance to what is, your attachment to control, your rejection of the greater flow of your life. In these deaths, a truer version of you can actually emerge, if you let it. Believe it or not, this process can be beautiful.
“I lost my husband in my divorce. I gained myself.” J.I.
Becoming unmarried will change you in profound ways. If you take advantage of this opportunity, it can make you more open, more compassionate and more heart-centered; it can make you more able to set and hold boundaries, take care of your needs, stand up for what you believe in, stand up for you! The more you change in divorce, the more you win – it’s really not about the money.
I am providing this information so people in my shoes won’t have to go through what I went through. I don’t know why basic information and advice is so hard to come by on the Internet, but this is my attempt to fill in a few of the gaps. It is current as of 2019. I am a high income male professional so I have all those biases and see the world through my own lens. I am not a lawyer so all the information in this document represents my personal opinion and thoughts, it is not legal advice – that’s what lawyers are for! Please consult a lawyer in your home state, province or country to confirm anything you read here before you act on it – the law is always changing!
Are you thinking about divorce because you are:
- Getting abused? Contact your local victim services, battered women or domestic violence service and ask for help and advice immediately.
- Confused and scared? Your marriage just blew up and you don’t know where to turn. Click here to go to practical, immediate steps to take
- Falling/fallen crazy in love with someone other than your spouse? Google ‘anima projection’ (men) or ‘animus projection’ (women), or read the book “We” by Robert Johnson
- Can’t decide whether to leave or not? See here
- Going to lose your mind if you don’t get out of this relationship? Go see a counselor, psychologist or other mental health professional as soon as possible.
The Big Four
Here are the main legal questions that get decided in a separation or divorce:
- Who gets what? – also called division of assets
- Who gets the kids when? – also called child custody arrangement
- Who pays for the kids and how much? – also called child support
- Any ongoing support payments? – also called alimony or spousal support
Gifts of divorce
Closer but fewer friendships
Greater focus on myself
Closer relationships with some members of my family
“I lost a house, a family member and so-called friends. I gained self-love, clarity and the ability to be me without having to walk on eggshells.” K.P. More quotes here
Models for becoming unmarried – here’s what’s on your menu…
- Platonic co-parenting – live together peacefully and focus on the kids
- Conscious uncoupling – the Gwyneth Paltrow way…google it
- Amicable split – for couples that are way more mature than we were
- Collaborative divorce – for couples willing to temporarily forego their right to go to court and engage a process designed to be as fair as possible to both parties
- Standard divorce – the high cost way; this document is mainly about this because it is what I went through
Prenuptial agreements
If you are planning to get married and are reading this to prepare, you are either really careful or you have major control issues! Anyway, for those of you in either category, here is what I know about prenuptial agreements: they need to be rock solid and clear, need to be legally formulated, each partner needs to take their time to consider it (no signing it at 3 am after a fight the night before you get hitched! Not kidding, a friend’s partner refused to sign a prenup until the last second and it was later anulled) each of you must have separate legal advice and have that advice documented so your spouse can’t later invalidate the prenup by saying they were not fully aware of what they were signing. And, there is always a legal way to contest any deal or any prenuptial agreement so they don’t insulate you against future large defense costs or the headaches of a legal case, they only make it harder for a case to be won against you.
Divorce laws are better than before, but we have a long way to go…
Unfortunately, the law penalizes and stigmatizes marriage. No wonder fewer and fewer people are getting married!
Quote from a young, idealistic lawyer: “I can’t believe how the law is written to favor the legal profession instead of favoring people working out their problems efficiently!!”
Five years later: “Our case had a truly wonderful ending… everybody sued!”
Instead of being written to help people who are truly at their most vulnerable, the law seems like it was written by the legal profession to create a process to enrich lawyers by extending conflicts, with eventual resolution. We have ended up with a system that takes advantage of base human emotions, is patronizing to women and is grounded in the false notion that two wrongs make a right. See my rant on divorce law here
CRITICAL INFORMATION for those facing a possible divorce:
Get a new, secure email like gmail with a password you have never used before and make sure it doesn’t automatically sign in.
If necessary, figure out a safe place to live and move a few changes of clothing and some cash there in case you have to leave home suddenly, or get locked out.
Hide all the spare keys for your car. Remove your most precious or expensive personal items to a safe location – take pictures and keep an itemized list of what you remove.
Gather/photocopy critical documents before things blow up
- Your birth certificate, passport, any immigration documents for you and your children
- Your marriage certificate (or photocopy)
- Copies of the latest financial statements from all bank accounts, investments, credit cards, mortgages, pensions, IRAs, 401(k)’s, RRSPs, real estate deeds
- Copies of your life and health insurance policies
- Documentation of all assets you brought into the marriage
- As in, the statements from the last date prior to marriage. If you provided a down payment for a home or cottage, you will need your bank statement showing the money was there, the house purchase documents showing the down payment and then to trace the money forward through time, all sale documents, bank statements, etc. so you can show that money went back in the house or cottage each time.
- Proof of ownership of any valuable property like jewelry, antiques, etc.
- Make a list of passwords to all joint online accounts
- Take pictures of everything above as well as your driver’s license and social security or social insurance cards so you have the information on your phone
- Write down or record your date of separation – when you stopped behaving as couples do
If you have a joint account, open a bank account at a different bank.
If things blow up you may need some money to survive or pay a lawyer so find a way to get money in there but be careful about it. You will eventually need to disclose that you have put money in there so things can be equalized eventually but you can choose when it is the best time to disclose it. Often spouses negotiate for each of them to withdraw a certain amount from their joint account.
Without Prejudice
Regarding any deals you negotiate, write “WITHOUT PREJUDICE” at the top of every piece of communication between the two of you. Inform them the first time that this means this deal is not admissible in court, it is a private offer between the two of you. This ONLY applies to settlement offers or deals! These two little words do NOT give you permission to be impolite with your spouse. Men especially, work off your anger and bitterness elsewhere or you will pay dearly. Women are treated very differently by the courts, in my experience and according to most lawyers I’ve talked to, so the same constraints don’t apply (except where the male spouse has personal or family connections with the judge – I have heard this can result in injustice in smaller jurisdictions).
Alimony or Spousal Support
From what I have been told and experienced, spousal support (also called alimony) payments are only tax deductible in Canada if they are ordered by a court or agreed to under a legally binding agreement. If you paid some prior to the court order or agreement, you can only deduct for the calendar year prior to the year in which the court order was made (for example, if your agreement was signed in 2019, you can only deduct spousal support paid in 2018 and in 2019 and onwards; everything paid before that is not deductible). Sadly, the 2017 Tax Cuts and Jobs Act removed the tax deductibility of Alimony in the USA. Spousal maintenance has not been tax deductible in the UK since this was removed by the Finance Act of 1988. Child support is almost never deductible.
Spousal support (alimony) calculator for Canada here: http://www.mysupportcalculator.ca/ Every state in the US has its own guidelines so google “alimony calculator” for your state. Guidelines for the USA here. In the UK it is called Spousal Maintenance – online calculator here
US and Canadian Spousal support (alimony) considerations here: https://institutedfa.com/understanding-spousal-support-1/
In Canada for short marriages, spousal support is often ordered for the same length of time as the marriage but there are a number of factors that can change that (if your career training was supported by your spouse or if your spouse is chronically ill). In Canada, 8 years is considered a long marriage (I have heard this number is 10 years in California) – it is an important number to know because at this point spousal support/alimony is indefinite. That doesn’t mean forever, but it might, it just means there is no end in sight until a judge says so. Remarriage often doesn’t change spousal support or alimony much so don’t count on that. Alimony rules are all over the map so you need to figure out how it works in your state or province using online calculators or by talking to a lawyer. For example, in Washington State I have heard they generally calculate the number of years of spousal support as 1 year for every 4 – 5 years of marriage, unless the marriage is about 20+ years and the couple is older, in which case it may be for the rest of the lesser-means spouse’s life. As usual, there are many factors that can modify this, which is why we need lawyers to sort it out.
In Canada, my understanding is you can’t get legally divorced until you have been separated for one year, except in certain extenuating circumstances.
I have found that the future course of a relationship mainly depends on the manner in which I end my intimate relationship with that person.
So be respectful in how you end things.
“Your relationships will be impacted profoundly, there will be ordeal, there will be a rebirth and there will be reintegration. Let it have you, let it do what it needs to do to you. Everything will be radically okay.” E.N.
Here’s how a standard divorce runs:
In Canada, according to StatsCan, about 30% of marriages end in divorce after an average of 3 years and 10% more end in divorce after 10 years or longer. This ads up to a 40% divorce rate overall but the rate is much higher if you include all the couples who permanently separate but never get around to filing for divorce. This is for all marriages – first marriages have a lower rate around 21% while second marriages have a higher rate. December to January is the most common time couples separate (perhaps because the winter solstice is the time when old things die and new things are reborn?). You will be on an emotional roller coaster for 6-12 months if things go well, for 2-4 years if there are problems. You may separate several times before the final time comes. Month 7 or 8 after final separation is said to be the ugliest. The cost in Canada is <$200 if there are no kids, you do it yourselves and the split is amicable, <$10,000 if using lawyers and the split is amicable, <$50,000 in US if amicable, $50,000 to $200,000 if a mediated split can be negotiated or if it is quick in court, and >$200,000 if it drags on in court (or drags on in mediation and/or with negotiations between your two lawyers).
JOKE – Why is divorce so expensive? Because it’s worth it!!
TRUTH – It doesn’t have to cost anything, you can do it for less than $200 if you are both mature and friendly and file everything yourselves at court with the help of your local legal aid society